Ahh, I hate how I can't seem to fall asleep early and am always wide awake at odd timings. It causes my mind to wander and I tend to over-think.

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I really feel that I've been taking my parents for granted a lot. I know I always sound like an ungrateful brat. Always complaining about how they're constantly nagging, always not allowing me to go out, etc.  I've complained a fair bit on Facebook and Twitter. Guess it's partly due to me going through my teenage rebellious stage. Every time I felt restricted or every time they scolded me and disciplined me, I really wished they would get out of my life or worst still, die. 

Don't be hating on me. Everyone has felt this way one time or another. When the scolding doesn't seem to stop or when the nagging is continuos. When you're already having a bad day and you come home, wishing to hide in your room to seek solitude and peace but there's all this nagging and scolding going on. It's happened to me more than a handful of times and each time, I'd shout back at my mum to just leave me alone and I'd shut the door in her face. 

When I was younger, I was always expected to be home by 10 on weekends. I never understood why. Even now, I'm somehow expected to be home by 11. I always felt this was unfair and even said to them, "Why does it matter what time I come home? It's not like I'm clubbing or smoking or doing drugs or doing bad things right?!" Another reason why I felt it was unfair is because my siblings always get to come home late, like 3+, 4+ in the morning.

Now that I'm older, and slightly wiser I hope, I'm slowly understanding that everything they say and do is for a reason. 

The reason they want me home early is because they care for my safety. There's so many raping and slashing cases in Singapore. They don't want me to be a victim either. 

Essentially, they nag because they care. 

And I feel that I have not kept up to my end of the deal. My dad has worked so hard to provide a good life for my siblings and I. We're living comfortably in a terrace house. We're not rich but we're not proud either. I have many friends whose family does not go on holidays because their parents just can't afford it. My family? We go on holidays every year. Sometimes even twice a year. I'm also lucky that my dad can pay for my education and even send me for tuition. When I was in Pri/Sec school, I hated going for tuition. I thought it was a chore and hated my parents for sending me for tuition because I felt that it cut into my free time. But I guess they sent me because they wanted the best for me and to get the best results I could achieve. I have some friends who can't afford to go for tuition. Some even have to work part-time to pay for their university fees. I just take everything for granted. I don't bother studying hard or putting effort into my work. I've spent 4 years in polytechnic already. And my dad has not complained about the fees. Not once.

Whenever I need extra money, I ask my dad for money and he gives me the money without any complaint. My meds for my eczema is not cheap at all either. 

I remember there was once, during my exam period, I was taking a break from studying so I was playing a computer game in the evening. My dad came into my room, saw that I was playing on my computer and asked why I wasn't studying when I had an exam the next day. I felt the anger in me rise and I shouted, "I was studying the whole day! You wouldn't know because you're not home half the time!" He kept his mouth shut and left my room.

Looking back now, I really think I hurt his feelings and I feel horrible about it now. He's not home because he's working his butt off to provide for this family and to make my life easy. I was just too immature to see it at that time.

Of course, once I get a stable job, I'll try to pay my parents back as much as I can every month. I'll do my best to succeed in life. My dad is still working. I really want him to have a comfortable retirement. I want both my parents to live happily and comfortably.

Another thing is, I'm really sad that I'm not very close to my parents. I'm pretty envious of my friends who are so close to their parents and claim that their parents is like their bestfriend and can share anything with them. I guess it's partly my fault. When I was <10 years old, I'd go out with my mum all the time. She'd bring me to Orchard and we'd always go to John Littles and Robinsons. I'd always hold her hand. I was also close to my dad last time. Every Saturday, he'd bring me for my swimming lessons and then we'd go to the library (I really loved to read). I guess I got that trait from him. I remember once in a letter he wrote to me during my confirmation camp, he said that I was like him. We'd shut ourself out from the world and bury ourself  in a good book. When I was younger, I found it so easy to talk to my parents about everything and anything. Now, I hardly know what to talk to them about. And I wish it wasn't like this. 

I wish I could just easily give them a hug or kiss on the cheek. Say "Goodnight" before I go to bed. Curl up on their laps like when I was younger. Wish I could talk to them about my problems. Wish I could talk to them about anything and everything. I can't even remember the last time I said to my parents that I love them, to their face. I only said it in a text I sent to my dad for his birthday last year. 

Recently I've also splurged a bit more for their birthday and Christmas presents. That's the only way I know how to express how I feel. I'm really a person of very few words. I remember once, also in a letter during my confirmation camp, my brother compared me to the Ice Queen in the Chronicles of Narnia because I say so little and it's so hard to know I'm thinking in my mind. 

Another reason why I'm getting so emo about all this now is because I just realised my parents aren't getting any younger. The average lifespan of people in my family is roughly 80+ years old. They're already in their 60s. So that's roughly 20+ years left? That's really not much time left. I really can't imagine what will happen to me once they're gone. I don't even want to think about it because it hurts too much. I really don't want to be filled with regrets when that day comes.

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I just had an extreme panic moment where I couldn't find the letters both my parents wrote to me when I was 15. I spent 15 minutes hunting around my entire room for them. When I finally found them, I started sobbing and panicking about so many things at once. Straightaway Skype called Matt in my sorry state and he had a fright because I was perfectly fine an hour ago and a mess now.