You Don't Know Me Anymore
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
I don't know what made me text you out of the blue. I don't know what possessed me to ask you if you wanted to hang out with me.
My heart beat nervously ask I got ready to meet you. It had been 9 months since we've seen each other in flesh. I kept wanting to text you back to cancel but well, I didn't.
When I saw you waiting outside my house, my heart beat slightly faster. But I was calm. I greeted you like everything was fine. Like we were still as close as ever.
The taxi ride there was somewhat silent. I didn't really know what to say to you so my fingers were constantly fidgeting, texting my friend because I was panicking and I needed moral support even though he was halfway across the world.
I tried to come across as cool and nonchalant as you asked me where I wanted to sit and I replied, "Anywhere was fine."
You asked me what I wanted to drink and I said, "Beer," without a second thought and after the words came out of my mouth, I cringed a little inside and saw you hesitate in confusion for awhile.
During our 5 years together, not once have I ever said I liked beer, much less Tiger. The only beer I would drink was Corona.
You asked me many awkward questions that I just didn't feel like replying, such as, "Are you dating anyone?", "Do you still club a lot?", etc. I felt like those questions were just too personal and. . . I guess I just didn't feel like sharing that information with you.
After a few awkward questions and sips of beer, you finally lit up a cigarette and I paused for awhile, thinking to myself and wondering if my next move was sensible. But I guess I didn't give a rat's ass about you and took out my own pack. Your mouth opened agape.
Throughout our whole relationship, I used to nag at you for smoking and drinking. But here I was, being a hypocrite and doing all those things. Well, I've got news for you.
I'm not the girl you used to know or fell in love with. I'm not the same girl you were together with for 5 years. I've changed A LOT. And it's all thanks to you. You broke my heart. You broke me. While I was busy scrambling to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and slowly heal, I found solace in smoking and alcohol. Not a very healthy choice but. . . I really didn't care anymore and I didn't have anyone to answer to.
When you asked me all those personal questions, I felt like you didn't deserve to know what I was doing in my life. The day you made the decision to break this relationship was the day you chose to not be a part of my life anymore.
After awhile, when you noticed I had pierced my ears as well, you tried to part my hair so you could see it properly but I flinched and promptly moved out of the way. Who are you now to deserve physical contact from me?
When you tried to tell me to smoke lesser because it would affect my health, why should I listen to you anymore? And why don't you heed your own advice?
So basically what I'm saying now is, you don't know me anymore. You know nothing about me. And I choose not to let you in anymore because well, you broke my trust and it's going to take one hell of a long time to regain it and it'll never be the same.
After we finished our drinks, you insisted on sending me home, right to my doorstep but I rejected the notion. You still insisted on walking me to the park. The moment we reached the park, I waved at you goodbye and was about to open my mouth to tell you to take care of yourself when you suddenly hugged me. I sank right into that hug because it felt so comfortable but I collected myself as I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I wished you well and walked off without another backward glance.
I had barely walked 10 metres when my phone buzzed, notifying me that I had received a message and it read:
"There are alot of things I wanna say to you but I know u don't really care anymore. It hurts to see you smoke really it does. I still think about you alot and I know u have moved on and I have not. Till now I can only see a future with u and thats why I don't wanna see anyone else. I only wish the best for u. Don't know why I can't move on. Maybe it is I don't want to. But wadever it is I know what I am doing. Pls take care, cause I am always missing u. Thanks for meeting me today it means alot to see how you are doing."
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*story might or might not be true*
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