I don't know what made me text you out of the blue. I don't know what possessed me to ask you if you wanted to hang out with me.

My heart beat nervously ask I got ready to meet you. It had been 9 months since we've seen each other in flesh. I kept wanting to text you back to cancel but well, I didn't. 

When I saw you waiting outside my house, my heart beat slightly faster. But I was calm. I greeted you like everything was fine. Like we were still as close as ever.

The taxi ride there was somewhat silent. I didn't really know what to say to you so my fingers were constantly fidgeting, texting my friend because I was panicking and I needed moral support even though he was halfway across the world.

I tried to come across as cool and nonchalant as you asked me where I wanted to sit and I replied, "Anywhere was fine." 

You asked me what I wanted to drink and I said, "Beer," without a second thought and after the words came out of my mouth, I cringed a little inside and saw you hesitate in confusion for awhile.

During our 5 years together, not once have I ever said I liked beer, much less Tiger. The only beer I would drink was Corona.

You asked me many awkward questions that I just didn't feel like replying, such as, "Are you dating anyone?", "Do you still club a lot?", etc. I felt like those questions were just too personal and. . . I guess I just didn't feel like sharing that information with you.

After a few awkward questions and sips of beer, you finally lit up a cigarette and I paused for awhile, thinking to myself and wondering if my next move was sensible. But I guess I didn't give a rat's ass about you and took out my own pack. Your mouth opened agape.

Throughout our whole relationship, I used to nag at you for smoking and drinking. But here I was, being a hypocrite and doing all those things. Well, I've got news for you.

I'm not the girl you used to know or fell in love with. I'm not the same girl you were together with for 5 years. I've changed A LOT. And it's all thanks to you. You broke my heart. You broke me. While I was busy scrambling to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and slowly heal, I found solace in smoking and alcohol. Not a very healthy choice but. . . I really didn't care anymore and I didn't have anyone to answer to. 

When you asked me all those personal questions, I felt like you didn't deserve to know what I was doing in my life. The day you made the decision to break this relationship was the day you chose to not be a part of my life anymore.

After awhile, when you noticed I had pierced my ears as well, you tried to part my hair so you could see it properly but I flinched and promptly moved out of the way. Who are you now to deserve physical contact from me?

When you tried to tell me to smoke lesser because it would affect my health, why should I listen to you anymore? And why don't you heed your own advice?

So basically what I'm saying now is, you don't know me anymore. You know nothing about me. And I choose not to let you in anymore because well, you broke my trust and it's going to take one hell of a long time to regain it and it'll never be the same. 

After we finished our drinks, you insisted on sending me home, right to my doorstep but I rejected the notion. You still insisted on walking me to the park. The moment we reached the park, I waved at you goodbye and was about to open my mouth to tell you to take care of yourself when you suddenly hugged me. I sank right into that hug because it felt so comfortable but I collected myself as I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I wished you well and walked off without another backward glance. 

I had barely walked 10 metres when my phone buzzed, notifying me that I had received a message and it read:

-------------------------

*story might or might not be true*

Ilunga:
 a Bantu word meaning "a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time", and - in the opinion of 1,000 linguists surveyed on the subject - the world's most difficult word to translate.

~

"Just tell me! Quick! Tell meeeee."

What finally came out of her mouth immediately shut me up. Disbelief came over me like a huge wave. What she said couldn't be true. She must have gotten it all wrong. It couldn't have been you.

A million thoughts ran through my head. I felt a cold feeling rush and spread through my body. And then. . . I felt totally numb.

I tried to think rationally.

She must be mistaken, It couldn't have been you. Maybe it was a different guy, with the exact same name. Maybe it was someone else who had stolen your identity. Someone pretending to be you.

And then I saw all the messages. I tried to control my feelings and remain calm. And then, tears started to spill from my eyes. The silent cry became a sob.

I didn't care that we were in a public place. My whole world had just come crashing down.

It was hard to believe that someone I had trusted and loved would do this to me. I tried to think back what I had done wrong, especially over the past few months.

I must admit. I wasn't an easy girlfriend to keep. I was difficult and was unfair to you at time. I could be difficult to love, at times. I was (and still am) materialistic. Maybe it was my fault. That I had neglected you a lot and worked too much. Maybe I didn't show my love for you enough.

Maybe I was to blame for what had happened.

I tried to give you the chance to explain yourself. That maybe it was just a huge misunderstanding.

What really irked me though, was the fact that you tried to deny everything at first. Slowly, I managed to pry everything out of you. A new rage of anger filled me. I didn't allow myself to break down and cry in front of you. I wanted to punch you so badly. But I held it back. After all, why should I stoop down to your level? Why should I show you my weaknesses anymore? You became nothing but vermin to me. Dirt that everyone trod on.

I felt a strong feeling of hatred for you.

After I walked away from you, for the last time, and had turned the corner, I leaned against the wall, slid to the ground and just fell apart. I sobbed so hard. It wasn't just my heart that was breaking. I felt like everything in my body was breaking. And it hurt so badly in that moment.

It hurt so much over the next few weeks. Every little thing had me in tears. Everywhere I went reminded me of you.

And then. . . I died inside. I didn't feel anything anymore. I did things without thinking about the consequences. I learnt not to care about others and their feelings. I didn't take care of myself.

I just stopped caring.

I finally understood why you drank all the time. I constantly drowned myself in alcohol. I picked up a lot of filthy habits as well. So many things I'm not proud of but still do to this very day. But the reason why I do them now is different. I used to do it to keep myself from thinking about you. Now I do it because it has become an addiction.

6 months has passed. I do admit, you're still on my mind at times. I wonder how you're doing. What you're doing in life. If you still think about me, and us and what we used to be. I don't love you anymore, nor do I hate you. I've also stopped questioning myself.

I forgive you. And I pray for you sometimes. I pray that you too can heal. And that when you find someone new to love, you will cherish her and not do to her what you did to me. Don't hurt her or push her away when things get tough.

Love her. Treasure her.

Thank you for the past 5 years. Thank you for (once) loving me. Thank you for being selfless at times and buying gifts for me even when you had nothing much to spare for yourself. I wish you nothing but the best for you in your future and life.

This will be the last post of you. This will be the last time I post a picture of the both of us.

Goodbye, Matthew.

(:


I (used) to get high all the time to keep you off my mind 

I trusted you. I let you into my life and heart. I opened up to you.

And you annihilated it all, past the point of saving. 

My walls are back up. 

Hi, sorry for the long hiatus. Lol I realise every time I post something, the way I type is such as though I have a huge audience but the thing is, I doubt anyone even bothers reading my small, humble blog.

Anyway, so much has happened since my last post.

1) ALESSANDRIA SAGE

My sister gave birth on the 22nd of April to a beautiful baby girl. She's really super cute and growing up pretty quickly.

2) FATHER'S DAY

This year, we celebrated Father's Day at an Italian restaurant, Capricci, at Tanjong Pagar. The food tasted really good but the waiting time is a bit too long /: In my opinion lah, because I was pretty hungry that day. 

3) TP GRADUATION

After 5 long and arduous years, I've finally managed to graduate from Temasek Polytechnic with a diploma. Thank God. It really sucked seeing all my friends graduate before me. But I'm really thankful I managed to pull through in the end to obtain my diploma. Imagine if I flunked my last module. I'd have been kicked out of school and my 5 years would have been in vain. So phew!

Funny story, I wore my shoes, which I only use on special occasions, like Christmas, for my graduation. When I reached school, the front bottom part of the shoe opened up. FML TTM. And then, the other side opened too. I think it was due to the fact that I rarely wear them plus they're kinda old so the glue wasn't very sticky anymore. Had to quickly find for tape to fix it. Luckily the uncle at the robe rental booth helped me. Angel in disguise. 

After the graduation ceremony, my parents brought me for dinner at Hotel Jen Tanglin. The food there is really yummy! And I think they were having a promotion for the buffet dinner. 

The ones who saw me throughout my 5 years and never gave up on me <3

my faise when i realize idk wtf to do with my life after this

4) SNIP SNIP SNIP

Decided to cut my hair again. My hair gets really damaged because of my constant dyeing. But I really like how this hair length looks on me.

I actually have a lot more pictures and posts lined up so I'll continue it another time or this post will be too long. 

ANNEYEONGGGGGG! 

<3