Ilunga:
a Bantu word meaning "a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time", and - in the opinion of 1,000 linguists surveyed on the subject - the world's most difficult word to translate.
~
"Just tell me! Quick! Tell meeeee."
What finally came out of her mouth immediately shut me up. Disbelief came over me like a huge wave. What she said couldn't be true. She must have gotten it all wrong. It couldn't have been you.
A million thoughts ran through my head. I felt a cold feeling rush and spread through my body. And then. . . I felt totally numb.
I tried to think rationally.
She must be mistaken, It couldn't have been you. Maybe it was a different guy, with the exact same name. Maybe it was someone else who had stolen your identity. Someone pretending to be you.
And then I saw all the messages. I tried to control my feelings and remain calm. And then, tears started to spill from my eyes. The silent cry became a sob.
I didn't care that we were in a public place. My whole world had just come crashing down.
It was hard to believe that someone I had trusted and loved would do this to me. I tried to think back what I had done wrong, especially over the past few months.
I must admit. I wasn't an easy girlfriend to keep. I was difficult and was unfair to you at time. I could be difficult to love, at times. I was (and still am) materialistic. Maybe it was my fault. That I had neglected you a lot and worked too much. Maybe I didn't show my love for you enough.
Maybe I was to blame for what had happened.
I tried to give you the chance to explain yourself. That maybe it was just a huge misunderstanding.
What really irked me though, was the fact that you tried to deny everything at first. Slowly, I managed to pry everything out of you. A new rage of anger filled me. I didn't allow myself to break down and cry in front of you. I wanted to punch you so badly. But I held it back. After all, why should I stoop down to your level? Why should I show you my weaknesses anymore? You became nothing but vermin to me. Dirt that everyone trod on.
I felt a strong feeling of hatred for you.
After I walked away from you, for the last time, and had turned the corner, I leaned against the wall, slid to the ground and just fell apart. I sobbed so hard. It wasn't just my heart that was breaking. I felt like everything in my body was breaking. And it hurt so badly in that moment.
It hurt so much over the next few weeks. Every little thing had me in tears. Everywhere I went reminded me of you.
And then. . . I died inside. I didn't feel anything anymore. I did things without thinking about the consequences. I learnt not to care about others and their feelings. I didn't take care of myself.
I just stopped caring.
I finally understood why you drank all the time. I constantly drowned myself in alcohol. I picked up a lot of filthy habits as well. So many things I'm not proud of but still do to this very day. But the reason why I do them now is different. I used to do it to keep myself from thinking about you. Now I do it because it has become an addiction.
6 months has passed. I do admit, you're still on my mind at times. I wonder how you're doing. What you're doing in life. If you still think about me, and us and what we used to be. I don't love you anymore, nor do I hate you. I've also stopped questioning myself.
I forgive you. And I pray for you sometimes. I pray that you too can heal. And that when you find someone new to love, you will cherish her and not do to her what you did to me. Don't hurt her or push her away when things get tough.
Love her. Treasure her.
Thank you for the past 5 years. Thank you for (once) loving me. Thank you for being selfless at times and buying gifts for me even when you had nothing much to spare for yourself. I wish you nothing but the best for you in your future and life.
This will be the last post of you. This will be the last time I post a picture of the both of us.
Goodbye, Matthew.
a Bantu word meaning "a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time", and - in the opinion of 1,000 linguists surveyed on the subject - the world's most difficult word to translate.
~
"Just tell me! Quick! Tell meeeee."
What finally came out of her mouth immediately shut me up. Disbelief came over me like a huge wave. What she said couldn't be true. She must have gotten it all wrong. It couldn't have been you.
A million thoughts ran through my head. I felt a cold feeling rush and spread through my body. And then. . . I felt totally numb.
I tried to think rationally.
She must be mistaken, It couldn't have been you. Maybe it was a different guy, with the exact same name. Maybe it was someone else who had stolen your identity. Someone pretending to be you.
And then I saw all the messages. I tried to control my feelings and remain calm. And then, tears started to spill from my eyes. The silent cry became a sob.
I didn't care that we were in a public place. My whole world had just come crashing down.
It was hard to believe that someone I had trusted and loved would do this to me. I tried to think back what I had done wrong, especially over the past few months.
I must admit. I wasn't an easy girlfriend to keep. I was difficult and was unfair to you at time. I could be difficult to love, at times. I was (and still am) materialistic. Maybe it was my fault. That I had neglected you a lot and worked too much. Maybe I didn't show my love for you enough.
Maybe I was to blame for what had happened.
I tried to give you the chance to explain yourself. That maybe it was just a huge misunderstanding.
What really irked me though, was the fact that you tried to deny everything at first. Slowly, I managed to pry everything out of you. A new rage of anger filled me. I didn't allow myself to break down and cry in front of you. I wanted to punch you so badly. But I held it back. After all, why should I stoop down to your level? Why should I show you my weaknesses anymore? You became nothing but vermin to me. Dirt that everyone trod on.
I felt a strong feeling of hatred for you.
After I walked away from you, for the last time, and had turned the corner, I leaned against the wall, slid to the ground and just fell apart. I sobbed so hard. It wasn't just my heart that was breaking. I felt like everything in my body was breaking. And it hurt so badly in that moment.
It hurt so much over the next few weeks. Every little thing had me in tears. Everywhere I went reminded me of you.
And then. . . I died inside. I didn't feel anything anymore. I did things without thinking about the consequences. I learnt not to care about others and their feelings. I didn't take care of myself.
I just stopped caring.
I finally understood why you drank all the time. I constantly drowned myself in alcohol. I picked up a lot of filthy habits as well. So many things I'm not proud of but still do to this very day. But the reason why I do them now is different. I used to do it to keep myself from thinking about you. Now I do it because it has become an addiction.
6 months has passed. I do admit, you're still on my mind at times. I wonder how you're doing. What you're doing in life. If you still think about me, and us and what we used to be. I don't love you anymore, nor do I hate you. I've also stopped questioning myself.
I forgive you. And I pray for you sometimes. I pray that you too can heal. And that when you find someone new to love, you will cherish her and not do to her what you did to me. Don't hurt her or push her away when things get tough.
Love her. Treasure her.
Thank you for the past 5 years. Thank you for (once) loving me. Thank you for being selfless at times and buying gifts for me even when you had nothing much to spare for yourself. I wish you nothing but the best for you in your future and life.
This will be the last post of you. This will be the last time I post a picture of the both of us.
Goodbye, Matthew.
(:
I (used) to get high all the time to keep you off my mind
